10 Tools and Tips to Reduce Anxiety During Pregnancy After Loss

When realizing you are pregnant again after a loss, it’s normal and expected to feel a wave of anxiety rush over you. I have been pregnant after loss 8 times, and I still vividly remember the complicated feelings of hope combined with dread after learning I was pregnant again. In the days and weeks following and months following a positive pregnancy test, I remember feeling overwhelmed with anxiety often and just “waiting on the other shoe to drop”, certain that something bad would happen. Day after day, I had many unanswerable questions looming over me, including:  

Would my baby(ies) make it to full term? 

Would they be healthy at birth? 

The anxiety of pregnancy after loss was greater than anything I’d experienced before and there were many days I wondered if I would be able to make it through.

Throughout all of my pregnancies after loss, I didn’t have the tools or skills to help me ease my fears and alleviate my anxiety. Years later, however, I know there are many effective ways to help reduce anxiety during a pregnancy after loss. While the anxiety of dealing with another loss never fully goes away- reclaiming hope after loss, while incredibly difficult, is NOT impossible.

Here are 10 tips and mantras to help you or a loved one get through the difficult times and reduce anxiety during pregnancy after loss:

1. Take it one day at a time.

   You can even take it one hour, one minute, or one second at a time if even a day is too hard. Sometimes, looking ahead at the upcoming weeks and months can feel completely overwhelming and impossible. Taking each day and each moment as it comes and focusing on the “here and now” can be vitally helpful. 

2. Remind yourself that every pregnancy (and pregnancy outcome) is different.

   It can be easy to get stuck believing that you’ll experience a loss with this pregnancy just like what happened last time- our brains are wired to think this way. It happened before, so logically, it can happen again. But in reality, every pregnancy is truly unique. Having a mantra to say to yourself when anxiety strikes, like “This is a different pregnancy with a different outcome,” or “What happened in the past does not determine what will happen in the future” can be helpful to derail the train of anxiety before it gets too far down the tracks. Sometimes, reading or listening to podcasts with positive stories for pregnancy after loss can also be really helpful- there are so many stories of healthy babies born after one or more recurrent losses that prove that every pregnancy truly is different. Let my story give you hope that even after 8 recurrent pregnancy losses, my miracle twins were born full-term and perfectly healthy. Different pregnancy, different outcome!

3. Read or listen to affirmations.

   Whether you repeat affirmations to yourself, or read affirmation cards, there is scientific proof that self-affirmations can be beneficial. Some women find it helpful to write mantras on post-it notes or index cards and put them in places like your purse, your mirror, your prenatal vitamin case, or even set one as the background of your phone. Mantras could be simple reminders like ‘breathe,’ ‘I trust my body,’ ‘I can do this,’ ‘I am safe,’ ‘my baby is safe’, or could include helpful quotes or scriptures. 

4. Celebrate every pregnant moment.

   While some individuals may hesitate to announce their pregnancies early, others may find that celebrating every moment of their pregnancy can be helpful to reduce anxiety while pregnant after a loss. Including a mantra like “today, right now, I am pregnant!” can be helpful when anxiety strikes, and many women have found that staying busy with things like nesting, brainstorming ideas for or decorating a nursery, taking maternity photos and belly progression pictures, or going on a babymoon can help expecting parents to feel excited and present with their current pregnancy and keep anxious thoughts at bay. If the idea of celebrating your pregnancy in these ways feels like “tempting fate”, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you would likely treasure things like your belly progression or maternity photos and the sweet memories made during your pregnancy whether your baby lived or not. No matter the outcome of your pregnancy, you may feel sad not to have any happy memories, tangible reminders, or photos of during your pregnancy.

5. Breathe.

   Seriously, right now, pause and breathe. Let’s do it together:

   Breathe in….. 2……3……4……5…… 

   Hold…… .2……. 3……… 4………. 5…….. 

   Now exhale…. 2…… 3……. 4……. 5…….. 
   

   Ok now breathe in again ….. 2……3……4……5…… 

   And hold…… .2……. 3……… 4………. 5…….. 

   Now exhale…. 2…… 3……. 4……. 5…….. 

   Repeat as many times as you need to until you start to feel your heart rate and stress begin to decrease. Anytime you start to feel the anxiety creeping in, taking a few minutes to do some intentional, deep breathing exercises can help to stop the anxiety train before it gains too much momentum and becomes impossible to stop. Studies show that deep breathing increases the supply of oxygen to your brain and stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes a state of calmness. Stopping for a few intentional minutes each day to practice deep breathing techniques can help you feel more connected to your body (and your baby!) and can help bring your awareness away from your worries and can help to quiet your mind. Here are some of my favorite deep breathing exercises you can try at home, at work, while in the waiting room before an ultrasound, in the middle of the night when you’re lying in bed awake, while driving to work or to your next doctor’s appointment, or really anywhere. 

6. Prayer and Meditation.

   There are tons of science-backed and evidence-based benefits to meditation during pregnancy. Spending intentional time each day acknowledging your thoughts, feelings, and emotions and learning to sit WITH those thoughts, feelings, and emotions (NOT ignoring them) is essential to be able to release those thoughts, feelings, and emotions and let them go. I encourage you to find a go-to a place of stillness and quiet- maybe in your favorite chair with a cup of hot coffee or tea, or perhaps in your bed late at night when you can’t sleep or even in your shower- to quietly allow the scary or uncomfortable thoughts and feelings of anxiety to come in. As they come, remind yourself they are just thoughts. That you are safe. You give yourself permission to feel and acknowledge them, and you give yourself permission to let the same thoughts and feelings flow away as you let them go. If praying or meditating on your own feels overwhelming, it could be helpful to listen to a guided prayer or meditation like this one HERE.

7. Photosynthesize.

   Spending time outside can be so beneficial for so many reasons, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It can be a really helpful grounding technique to spend a few minutes outside barefooted. Notice how the ground feels beneath your feet. Is it cold? Is it warm? Does it feel firm and solid? Does it feel soft and squishy? Notice the sounds you hear. Do you hear birds chirping? Leaves rustling? Dogs barking? Bees buzzing? Cars driving by? Notice what you see. Do you see trees? Grass? Paint chipping on the fence? Spending time mindfully with nature can do wonders for an anxious mind. Additionally, spending time outdoors aids in Vitamin D production. Women are often Vitamin D deficient, and Vitamin D deficiency has been linked to increased feelings of depression and anxiety. Spending time outdoors can be a great way to increase your Vitamin D levels and decrease your feelings of anxiety.

8. Move Your Body.

   There are physiological ways that moving our bodies actually improves our mental health and can release stress, tension, and anxiety in our bodies. For me, running has become my safe place where I spend time in prayer and meditation acknowledging, feeling, and releasing my anxious thoughts. There is something so therapeutic about exercise too that releases those feel-good endorphins that can really turn your day and mood around. If running isn’t your thing, the science shows that even something as simple as taking a short walk or doing some simple stretches or yoga poses can help to reduce anxiety, feelings of depression, and even high blood pressure. Even if you find yourself on bed rest during your pregnancy, there are light seated postures or movement techniques you can do to help ease your feelings of anxiety.

9. Identify Your Triggers.

   Sometimes we may not know what triggers us, and that’s completely normal. If you feel frequently caught off-guard by your triggers and don’t know what it was that spurred that sudden increase in your heart rate, that overwhelming feeling of fear or flashback to your loss, that out-of-the-blue urge to cry or leave the room, know that you’re not alone. Experiencing pregnancy loss can cause traumatic stress, and sometimes the symptoms of traumatic stress can linger long after the trauma has passed. If you need help identifying your triggers, it could be helpful to keep a journal or a log when you feel triggered. Overtime, you may notice a pattern. You may notice you’re often triggered when you go into a store or a crowded building. You may notice you’re triggered on your commute home from work if there’s a lot of traffic. You may notice you’re triggered more often on a certain day of the week or time of day. You may notice you’re triggered when it rains. You may notice you’re triggered when a doctor’s appointment is coming up. Once you can identify what your main trigger points are, you can create an action plan to help manage them so you aren’t frequently caught off-guard.

10. Find Support.

    Having a support system in place is essential when pregnant again after experiencing loss. Gratefully in today’s day and age there are lots of resources available, including in-person and virtual support groups, instagram accounts, podcasts, and blogs like this one. Pregnancy after loss can feel lonely and isolating, but there are so many others who have been through it and can relate to the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. If your anxiety is closely connected to birth trauma or trauma experienced from your prior loss(es), hiring a doula or coach to support you and advocate for you could be worth its weight in gold!  

    If you find your anxiety is reaching unmanageable levels, I would highly suggest seeking support through a licensed professional counselor or psychiatrist. There is no shame in needing professional help. After all, we go see a doctor when we break an arm or are experiencing chest pain- seeking professional care for our mental health is no different! No matter what type of support you need, the most important thing is to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally and to get through the difficult days.